5 - 1 = 0

It has been 4 days... And I am still totally off... This is a nightmare!!!

It's scary how much I let Arashi root in my life in past 6 years....

In the Sunday of the announcement I cried, lost my appetite, lost track of the time. I was like that movie Gravity: floating in the space without strings... A floating zumbi...

The Monday was the b***h!!! I was hoarse because of all the weeping. But I still could listen to their songs, although I  knew that the worst had yet to come when all that s**t started really to sit down...

Soon my private Apocalypse would begin...

Now, their songs are so bittersweet that hurt! So effing much!!!

I started to think about what a Planet Earth without Arashi would be.... THE HELL!!!!

During the past few days, during the daily rush of my life, very often, I felt a weight in the chest, a difficulty to breath, a sadness... And then I asked myself: "What's wrong? Why am I feeling like ... as I was grieving?". And then I remembered! I have no Arashi! And it's like that all the time... Since Sunday.

The longing for this is already inside me, and I am going to die of longing them!!! And you know why? Because there is no other Idol Group so spectacular like them, and I surrendered entirely to them!!! And so, when the 2020.12.31 come the pain will be excruciating!!!!

My beloved angels want me to seize each day of the next 2 years. To enjoy the time we still have with them. Gosh! This is so like hundreds of love Jdramas/Jmovies that I've watched! To keep on smiling until the end... Just like the musicians at Titanic... Well, right now I can only think that there won't exist anymore that magical 5!!! That amazing energy that come from the simple fact that they are 5!!!

It seems now that I am in the place of so many other fans that had their object of adoration gone. They also thought that their Idols were awesome! And, maybe, like me, they also thought that their beloved Group would last until the end of times! After all, the Rolling Stones made it, right?

It's possible that the remain four will be in the Jimusho: beside news zero, Sho can do dramas, movies, ads, just like Neen and Aiba, that also have their own shows. Jun can be used in productions by the Jimusho, beside dramas, movies, ads. They might appear on magazines from time to time, BUT IT WILL NOT BE THE SAME THING! It not be my 5 colored rainbow!

There is ZERO rationality in my fangirling feelings. I am down. In the pit bottom. How is it possible to love a GROUP so much that the mere mention of them, a simple glance at them, bring tears to the eyes and the heart starts to race!!!

I loved them for years. I dreamed of them. Being an international fan really sucks!!!! I could only dream of them! And now... What will be the future of this? 

They were dealing with that conflict since June 2017, while smiling to us... Gosh!!! How I love these boys!!! Thank Heavens for their friendship!!! I need that "5x20"  song, right now!!!!

Oh... I am bleeding.... 

There tons of songs, dramas, movies, live concerts, variety shows' episodes, ads, with them that I need to catch up!!!! I haven't watched to Kaibutsu-kun yet!!! Can you believe that??? I will never forgive me for that!!! What I am going to do without those adorable drop-shaped eyes? Those gorgeous hands? That heavenly voice? Those fantastic dance moves? That awkwardness?.... I need my little Leader!

Dear Satoshi... You have been wanting to quit Johnny's for soooo long! Since Kyoto. Too bad that during all these years we fell real bad for you!!! You who craves for a non-celebrity life. And now you say that you've been thinking about quitting since 3 years ago...  It must be because of "the day before Blast in Miyagi" thing!!! It has to be!!!!

I am so ill that I can find relief in the fact that Jun said that this is not a disbanding!! That Rīdā said that he was going to quit, but the Jimusho suggested just to take a break and he accepted! That there were no fight, no scandal, just a decision transmitted to us with consideration and affection! That Sho said on news zero that they will return!

And you bet these 5 fabulous boys will give us the greatest 2 years of our lives!!!! Just wait for the Olympics and Ohno as Kouhaku Uta Gassen white team host!!! And then, on 2021, we will be all dead!

Or maybe we will gradually leaving the memory of that wonderful dream with 5 amazing boys in a corner of our hearts... (I think is was a dream...). Like a loved boyfriend that broke our heart leaving you because he wanted to try new stuff, but from time to time, you remember him, and smile.

Not to be able to ever have news about them... not to be able to see them... I feel that I am becoming ashy already. My life lost 5 colors. There is a hole in my soul soul...

I saw many tweets saying that we fans must not be selfish... But... shouldn't we be allowed to be selfish with the ones we love the most? They've been one of the brighter part in my life... I am mostly so detached, but I was really dedicated to them! I don't want to let go of those hands!!!

They even helped me through my father’s mourning !!!! Their songs followed me every day at work !!! I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF THOSE HANDS!!

That all they have given me have strong roots within me! That I live with what they taught me. May this love never die! May I remain grateful for all that they have done for me!

I’m not an exemplary fan. I’m stubborn like Rīdā. I will just stay here, shrouded in their love and with thoughts of endearing for them.


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